Friday, February 03, 2006

Weekend Humor


George Carlin's List of Rules for 2006. Happy weekend.

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years -- because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. It's water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

16 Comments:

At 10:38 AM, February 03, 2006 , Blogger mrsleep said...

II, damn funny. It's been a long, tough week, and I needed some levity to enter the weekend with the proper frame of mind.

 
At 1:10 PM, February 03, 2006 , Blogger Crankyboy said...

I think these are Bill Maher new rules not carlin.

 
At 2:02 PM, February 03, 2006 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...

I stand corrected Cranky. It was an e-mail forward. :-) But I'm leaving the George Carlin last supper picture up anyways.

Have a good weekend Cranky and Mr. Sleep.

 
At 2:14 PM, February 03, 2006 , Blogger bombsoverbaghdad said...

Carlin is funny. BUT I notice that he dogs out Christianity. You know, I'm not into doctrine and all that, but I think it's disrespectful. I know he'd never do that to HIS religion.

 
At 8:11 PM, February 03, 2006 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...

Isn't he Christian?

 
At 8:41 PM, February 05, 2006 , Blogger chad said...

Hey Insurgernt, I was enjoying this little bit of humor, when the Aaron McGruder in me could not help but come to a screeching halt at this line:
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
So once again we are reminded that in order to be an authentic looter, you must be non-white. I have to give Mr. Carlin a pass on this one, because he's been such a great social critic for so long, but it did make me pause.

Hypersensitively yours,
chad

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
~George Carlin

 
At 7:47 AM, February 06, 2006 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...

Fair enough.

Long time no see Chad. Hope all is well.

 
At 12:02 PM, February 07, 2006 , Blogger Possum said...

My wife and I saw Carlin live 10 years ago in Nashville. We laughed, we cringed (Carlin is an equal opportunity offender), and our somachs hurt for 3 days from all the laugh muscles getting a huge workout.

Go see him live if you ever get the chance.

 
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