Thursday, April 20, 2006

Where Do These People Come From?

It is not my style to publicize personal conversations, but this morning I had such a doozie that I have to share it.

Over the past few months, I have received random text messages on my cell phone asking about my mother, wishing me and my family merry x-mas, happy easter and all that jazz. Since the phone number had a 917 area code, I assumed it was a friend of mine from law school who lives and works in New York. Last night, I was at a party and was texting a friend who was on her way to the club and noticed the 917 number. I thought to myself, I haven't heard from Eric in a while, so I texted asking him how he is doing. It should have been a clue it wasn't Eric when I got an immediate reply (seeing as it would have been 1:00 a.m. in NY), but I wasn't thinking. The reply said call me, so I responded that I would call in the morning.

As I dialed the phone this morning, it occurred to me that the 917 number might not be Eric, but I had no idea who else it could be. The voice on the other end of the phone confirmed it wasn't Eric, but now I was in the midst of a conversation with a voice completely unfamiliar to me. So, as all women do, I faked it. :-) "How are you, how is work...." It was not until he asked me if I had hung out with mutual colleagues lately that I finally placed the voice with the phone number. Doh!

He was a guy I met at a professional networking function and who had taken me along as a sidekick to some networking party for a popular magazine. The party was lame, he was dull and superficial, so I told him I needed to get home to hubby and left the party after less than an hour. Haven't spoken since.

Now I have an identity, so I can play catch up. "Oh, I texted you because I realized it had been a while since I checked in and said hello." It was half-true. His response - "I just assumed that your husband intercepted one of my messages and forbid you from speaking to me."


"I don't know what juvenile, insecure world you hang in", I responded, "but my husband knows very well he has absolutely nothing to worry about. Ever!"

You would think that would be the end of the topic, but it wasn't.

"We'll see. One day, I'll invite you and your husband to meet me at Venice Beach and I won't have a shirt on, and we'll see if he lets you talk to me again."


I was speechless and it took me a second to grasp the reality of what he just said.

Then I started laughing (I am still laughing). I told him we would both think he was a foolio if he did that. "What is a foolio"?, he asked. "A foolio is one of those LA types who is so enamored with himself and so vain that he is like the bimbo chicks in the clubs who show a lot cleavage. Those types claim to be hetero, but they spend more time in the mirror then most women I know. Anyhoo, they are probably showing off their muscles to compensate for inadequacies elsewhere."

The puddle-deep intellect mustered up "well, what if I am comfortable without a shirt on when I am at the beach?" "That's fine and well, but we would still enjoy a good laugh at your expense."

With that, I politely ended the conversation.

I barely know this guy and he thinks he's so hot and studly that my husband would find him threatening. My husband would think he is as retarded as I think he is. Where the hell do these people come from? Where? On what planet do they breed such arrogant, narcissistic a-holes and then plant them here? What kind of parenting produces this?

And it's not like he's a GQ Model or anything. I have plenty of male friends who are 100x hotter than that foolio.


At 3:12 PM, April 20, 2006 , Blogger bombsoverbaghdad said...

Damn. That's nutty. Homeboy had a crush. Sounds like he's been thinking about you a lot! You really need to stop leading guys on, II. hahahah JUST KIDDING!!

A lot of these guys out here are so stupid. They've been single so long their brains have deteriorated.

A friend of mine came up to me and said, "BOB, you know a lot of guys look at your wife while she's working out at the gym. They think she's hot. But she's 'faithful to you as a mutherfucker.'" I'm like, "Gee thanks." I guess he was paying me a compliment, and he was shocked that I wasn't threatened by dudes lookin' at my wife.

Proverbs (oopsie) states that a man who doesn't have to worry about his wife trickin' has found a special thing . . . I completely agree.

At 5:39 PM, April 20, 2006 , Blogger Stalin the Shark said...

You made this whole thing up, right? Nothing this humiliating was ever said by any actual person, was it?

Please, humor me and keep a small flame of hope alive for humanity. Say it ain't so.

:-), StS

At 6:26 PM, April 20, 2006 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...


You are so right that single life in LA has deteriorated their brains.


Alas, it is so. 100% true story. Sad, huh? I do not think I have ever met anyone that shallow and narcissistic and we have our share here in LA.

At 8:57 PM, April 20, 2006 , Blogger The Best [ Ghostface ] said...

To Intellectual Insurgent,

The man has a sexual crush on you that is all and many men and women are single in L.A. by choice. Because they can have all the sex they want with other people who are single. And not really seeking to be with one mate.

The man has a crush on intellectual insurgent

At 8:37 AM, April 21, 2006 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...


At 9:06 AM, April 21, 2006 , Blogger mrsleep said...

II, we need pictures. Set up a time on the beach, and whip out the old digital camera, and then we can all see what "Texter, the Pecker" really looks like.

At 9:20 AM, April 21, 2006 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...

"Texter the Pecker", ha ha ha... Classic. If we meet up with him at the beach, I will undoubtedly take lots of pictures.

At 10:58 AM, April 21, 2006 , Blogger Crankyboy said...

That was me! Now the world knows I'm in love with my pecs. Oh the humanity.

At 12:28 PM, April 21, 2006 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats hilarious!
Unfortunately, guys (and girls) like that aren't even rare.

At 8:25 PM, April 21, 2006 , Blogger Boris Yeltsin said...

It's funny you mentioned something: you said he claimed to be hertro, but he spends more time in the mirror than you do.

Guys always ask why all the hot women are gay, and I know women wonder the same about men.

It's probably because those kind of people spend so much time falling in love with themselves in the mirror, it's not too far off to fall in love with someone of the same gender as themselves!

Great post.

At 6:26 AM, April 22, 2006 , Blogger Gandhi said...

You should have said that you overheard some girlfriends of yours talking about the less than ample size of his penis. THat really would have set him down a lonely path of self-denial until eventually, some thrity years from now, his head exploads from all the self-denial he has been up to. We have fella's like this in Ireland too, they usually get a good beating though.

We do things right over here :-)

If its one thing the Irish can't stand, it's cockiness and someone claiming to be something they are not. Its called the inferiority complex, and its gripped the nation.

At 8:52 PM, April 23, 2006 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meet these "texteer peckers" where they are at...

At 11:32 AM, April 24, 2006 , Blogger Possum said...

You mean you aren't actually hitting on me by responding? My hopes are dashed.

But I still have the crush on the II.

"Foolio" reminds me of a good friend of mine who was an apt target of this joke:

Why do Italians wear a necklace?

So they'll know where to stop shaving.

At 5:50 PM, April 25, 2006 , Blogger Craig DeLuz said...



I like that term. I heard it before, but never tied it to a definition.

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