Sunday, November 20, 2005

It's Not Personal, Really

One of my favorite bloggers, Mr. Sleep, recently was lamenting the rampant rudeness that currently engulfs American society and it got me thinking. Why are people so rude to each other?

I have various thoughts on the subject, although they all are based upon the same thing -- it's nothing personal. Really, it's you, not me.

1. Inferiority Complex

The message that you aren't good enough is ubiquitous. It's there when you turn on the television, open a magazine, or go shopping. Buy this car or you won't get hot chicks. Wear this clothes or you won't be attractive to men. Take this pill or you'll be fat and no one will love you. You don't have time to think about other people because, according to the world, you are so f'ed up that it's going to be light years before you buy enough clothes and get enough plastic surgery to cure yourself of your many defects.

If you carry around the burden of inferiority all day, it's going to be hard for you to love anyone else. You'll be more focused on sizing up everyone else in the world to gauge how you are doing. "I'm not that fat. I'm not that stupid. Maybe it will make me feel smart if I put down someone else. I'll yell at that a-hole who isn't driving as perfectly as I always do EVERY single time I am behind the wheel. I can't believe he didn't use his blinker." You can tell a lot about a person by how they behave in traffic.

2. Starbucks

Although I have never drank coffee, my recent attempts to kick a Mountain Dew addiction renders me sufficiently knowledgeable about caffe-zombies. These are people who start their day with coffee and need periodic injections throughout the day in order to function. These caffe-zombies are drug addicts who do not stray far from the crackhouses popularly known as Starbucks. They stand in line impatiently, shaking, babbling under their breath, waiting for the next fix. Next time someone is rude to you, point her to the crackhouse. She'll probably be sweet as pie after her double tall grande latte.

3. Fast Food

If you don't think the food you eat has anything to do with your moods, try living on twinkies for a week and let me know how it goes. This ties into the Starbucks issue. Your brain is fueled on sugar. Processed foods that have high concentrations of sugar send you on massive highs and burn-and-crash lows. Someone who does not eat good food regularly, which most Americans don't, is going to be a real peach when they are out and about. For more on this topic, watch Super Size Me or read Fast Food Nation. And eat breakfast for goodness sake!

4. Uncharged Batteries

The person who relies on coffee, eats fast food and thinks she isn't pretty because she doesn't look like an air-brushed picture of Jennifer Aniston is the one who has no idea how to take care of herself. Everyone has a spiritual/mental battery that must be constantly charged. Some people require more frequent charging than others, but none of us can allow it to fall to empty. Personally, I maintain the charge on my batteries with blogging, reading loads of thought-provoking books, quality time with my friends and family and, twice a year, I take a crazy vacation for a whole new battery. I am lucky. I know myself. I know when I am hitting critical stress period where I need to re-charge. The red light on my battery goes off loudly and I listen.

How many people do you know who listen to their inner batteries? And, even if they do, can they afford to take a day off, let alone a week off to care for themselves? I look around and see people running from one obligation to another and, often times, it is self-imposed. Wake up first thing in the morning, get the kids to school, sit in traffic to work, work all day, come home to forage for dinner and then pass out from exhaustion to start it all again the next day. And an increasing number of people take on two jobs just to make ends meet. Their day can end at midnight. Courtesy of creative financing, many cannot afford even one day off from work for fear of missing a mortgage payment. They can't afford a vacation because they spent all the money on the new SUV and are spending even more on gas these days. It is a world of uncharged batteries. Everyone is on the edge. The commoditization of ourselves and the resulting disconnect is at its core. We have reduced ourselves to frantic consumers, fearful that the next paycheck will not be enough to cover the car payment.

When I was a teenager, my dad and I were in line at the grocery store when someone cut in front of us. I was about to send the jackass to the back of the line when my dad stopped me. "You will have bigger victories in life. If that's the biggest victory in his life, let him have it. You should feel sorry for him." It's not personal when someone is rude to you. It is a pathetic attempt to feel victorious in one part of their otherwise miserable worlds.

Before you think I am being self-righteous, I must admit that it is a challenge for me to politely deal with impolite people. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have no qualms about being exceptionally rude if someone gets out of line with me. I have learned the hard way, however, that answering rudeness with rudeness is more exhausting than it's worth.


At 7:43 PM, November 20, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...

Great Post!

Can't argue with any of that. I myself have a soda addiction to Caffine as well. I kick it from time to time, but I find it difficult every time.

When in certian places in this wonderful country I have found some very hospitable, and some places very rude. Take New York City.....please!

When I would say, "Nice day", I would often get..."So what!" or "What's it too ya!" or reactions like that. Where is other places I have gotten more laid back responses. Like Texas, and Mississippi. I have found them to be very nice and most would go out of their way to make you feel like a real person.

Again great post!



At 11:26 PM, November 20, 2005 , Blogger Adrianne said...

I have some ridiculous theories as to what it is...right now I am in Canada, and when I was travelling this weekend the attitude from Americans and Canadians is like day & night. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that this nation is capitalist and has a very "tough luck" approach. Where as in Canada, you don't tell the government to get out of your business you ask them for help...helping others is truly an integral part of society of Canada. Even the customs agent commented on it, this morning. I am a "polite Canadian" no matter where I am in, and it especially seems to shock New Yorkers & Washingtonians.

At 12:48 AM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...

"Ask not what your contry can do for you, but for what you can do for your country." (J.F. Kennedy)

I wonder if people in prison are happy? They get lots of help from this government. Three squares, a place to sleep, free medical, free dental, etc.

Are they happy? I doubt it.

I don't think giving a hand out to a begger makes the beggar happy. Usually people who feel the need to pay back those who help, makes them feel like they are a valuable memeber of society.

Nor, do I believe that Capitalism has anything to do with being rude.

I think it may have more to do with the number of people per square mile. I find rural areas are more laid back than crowded areas, perhaps because less people are trying to mug you or bug you.

Who knows, but I doubt that Socialistic Countries like Canada are polite because of their form of economic activity. France was the most rude country I ever visited. While Britian was fabulously friendly.



At 7:56 AM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger mrsleep said...

ii, another angle on this one?

Living life a million miles an hour is a serious problem for some people. I have told my kids too many times to count, "life is a balance, everything in moderation". I have very, very good friends, who I love very much, who just can't figure it out. They have no kids, no pets, good jobs, but are always busy, always late when you arrange to meet them, and always complain about not enough time in the day. My wife and I juggle demanding jobs, have three kids, a mother-in-law who lives with us, two pets, and we volunteer countless hours in our community, yet, we do find a way to make it all work. Yes, it's challenging, but it all works in harmony (most of the time).

I'm glad you are exploring the topic, but I want to come back to one other angle, and this just may be tied to societal values. It again deals with this notion of "what's in it for me?". There are multiple factors at play. Empty batteries, people lacking self worth, advertisers reinforcing this lack of self worth, cluelessness, ego centric's, and probably much more.

At 9:32 AM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger bombsoverbaghdad said...


I think you missed the most important one of all, "Mommy and Daddy."

Most rude people that I know have mommy and daddy issues.

That's not to say that the other factors you listed are not I guzzle a Starbuck's....

At 9:57 AM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...

BOB - that is a very good point and ties to Mr. Sleep's point. People learn their manners at home.

At 12:05 PM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden said...

11 21 05
Good post II. Well everything that I was thinking has been said already:) So I will just add that far too many parents abdicate their responsibilities nowadays and think: "Well I pay the teacher's salary they had better do their jobs!" Which ties capitalism (at its worse) into personal responsibility taking (or lack thereof) and translates to a bunch of undisciplined brats. OMG what is our world coming to? BTW Happy Thxgiving!

At 12:34 PM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger mrsleep said...

PC gone bezerk.

I have a sister who one on one is as tough a person as you will every run into in the business world.

On the other hand, she has chosen to give her kids lot's of latitude, as she does not want to be an overbearing parent.

Ok, this may be falling into the Too Much Information side in Sandman's part of the world.

Anyway, my sister allows her kids to negotiate everything. If she tells them no, she has to tell them 3 times.

My wife and I had a very simple parenting rule. We told our kids or asked them once, and we always backed it up with "do you understand". After that the consequences for lack of action took place right away.

They learned early on to be accountable for their decisions and actions.

So yes, a lot of the problems start in the home,and remain in the home. Not to say the same discipline or lack of discipline issues don't show up in schools.

Last point. I coached youth sports for many, many years. One of the first years I coached I had a kid, who didn't pay attention, or follow instructions, and he was disruptive to the entire team. Very early on, I set a team rule, that if you weren't properly engaged, you ran a lap. This kid ran laps all the time, yet this kid really liked me. To this day, 16 years later we stay in touch. His parents asked me for parenting advice, as I got him to do what I needed him to do. I just told them, "give him firm guidelines, and consequences for falling outside those guidelines".

I tell you, it isn't rocket science!

At 12:55 PM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...

Mr. Sleep -

Your sister is on an extreme. Discipline must be disciplined, i.e. given at the appropriate times in the appropriate doses to work. Some people over-discipline and destroy their kids' self-esteem and others, like your sister, underdiscipline and send a message to children that there are no rules.

As with everything in life, balance is crucial and it seems like parents have lost that sense. I think kids intuitively understand and want that balance and that's why they responded to your coaching so favorably.

At 2:58 PM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger mrsleep said...

From Rudeness to Parenting skills, now we just have to figure out how to reason with Stalin's favorite Wingnuts!

At 3:27 PM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger Stalin the Shark said...

Um, might I say some words to those people who have issues with my fellow New Yorkers?

It is not the case, in my experience, that New Yorkers are rude. Rather, we are direct and to the point. Living in a dense metropolis, we interact with literally thousands of people a day; that requires an economy of time usage. We also tend to call spades spades or damn spades, if our interlocutor insists on the phrase "garden implement". If you ask one of us our opinion, odds are that you will hear it without the sugar-coating you may be used to from elsewhere.

What you call rude, we call honest.

We eschew the faux-intimate contact that passes for politeness elsewhere; don't interrupt my minutely scheduled day for idle chit-chat when I have five minutes less than I need to get where I'm going. I consider it rude for someone on the street to angage me in conversation without a good reason to do so. "Nice day" doesn't cut it. Either I can see that, in which case the information is redundant and of no value, or it is not a nice day, in which case you are deliberately spreading disinformation and are in need of a sharp rebuke. You might also be a clever panhandler - here's your dollar already, I'm late.

And in contrast to Texas and Mississippi, we don't do lynchings. We consider those rather rude.

:-), StS

At 4:45 PM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...

sometimes it is important to take time to smell the roses.

We are all given 24 hours in a day. Some of us like to be polite and friendly, as we might find a friend in a city of strangers.

If all of the strangers are too busy to make new friends, then something is wrong with that picture.

Sometimes people can be honest, blunt, and still be friendly. Others can be blunt and not be friendly.

Life is to be enjoyed not hammered till every drop of sweat bleeds.



At 6:59 PM, November 21, 2005 , Blogger Stalin the Shark said...


obviously, you've never been stuck on the Lexington line trying to get to midtown at rush hour.

That having been said, I've always found my fellow New Yorkers, once you know what to expect, to be the nicest people on the planet. With us, you know it's real, albeit brief.

:-), StS

At 12:53 PM, November 22, 2005 , Blogger mrsleep said...

Stalin, I married a New Yorker, albeit a Staten Islander. What is nice about New Yorker's, is there really isn't any grey area, ie, "what do you really mean?".

NY's test you to see if you have any backbone, because you ain't worth a sheet, if you can't stand up for yourself.

I may have to do a separate thread on Pet Peeve's, as a matter of fact I think I will. It relates to this topic.

However, Stalin would probably blow a gasket, if he was in line at his favorite New York Deli, and the person in front of him took 5 minutes to dig through his pockets, or her purse, looking for the money to pay for their Pastrami on Rye.

At 3:52 PM, November 22, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...


BTW, I don't know why it never occured to me before, but I didn't have you linked at my site, but yet I vist here a lot.

Well, that is fixed now. I also linked Sharky. I respect the fact that he is usually civil and respectful, so what more can I ask?

I will respect anyone who will debate me and answer my questions directly. He usually does on if I could only get that one direct answer....:)



At 5:18 PM, November 22, 2005 , Blogger Intellectual Insurgent said...


I thought about that the other day and realized I was similarly overdue to link yours. Thanks!

At 4:25 PM, November 23, 2005 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is brilliant.
I actually read the whole thing!
Keep 'em coming.

At 8:05 PM, November 23, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...


I am sure there are nice people in NYC, just stuck me a certian way when I first went for a visit with the Sears and Penneys head buyers on Avenue of the Americas when I was semi-famous. (About 200,000 people knew and respected who I was in the 1980's)

I think that was the name of the street.

I have had several friends from New York, (Brooklyn), one was a golden gloves champ who had the nick name "Socks."

Socks was one of the "Coolest" guys I ever had for a best friend.

One day three of us were in his convertiable in Gallup, New Mexico and we were at an A & W Root Beer Drive inn parked next to three really good looking girls.

Socks said, "You want I should get us dates with these three or embarrass them to death."

I said "lets get dates", Socks and my other buddy said, "Naw, lets embarrass them."

He signaled to them and said "Hey, you girls ever been afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?"

They said, "Nope." "He said, "Neither were the other three little pigs!" Lound enough for the whole drive inn to hear.

The girls weren't the only ones who were embarrassed.

He said if they would have said "Yes" then he would have said "So were the other...."

Had them either way.

Is that a typical New Yorker?


At 4:48 PM, November 25, 2005 , Blogger Stalin the Shark said...


I have answered your one direct question, with the unequivocal statement that you are wrong, that your premise is wrong, your conclusions are wrong, your legal reasoning flawed, in short, you're just wrong. There's your entirely unambiguous answer yet again, even if you seem to think that agreement with you is a prerequisite of an answer being acceptable. I don't agree. You're wrong. End of story.

As to your example, frankly, we could have a contest of anecdotes, with you supplying detrimental NYC examples and me furnishing the vast bevy of non-New Yorkers that behave badly. For example, I recall some months ago being on the subway, with a charming family from some corn-fed midwestern patch of wholesomeness sitting across the aisle; their adorable little tot got up and repeatedly kicked the sleeping homeless person next to them, to the oohing and aahing of his parents.

I'm entirely sure they were repugs. Kicking the poor comes naturally to that lot.

:-), StS

At 4:13 AM, November 26, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...


said:"I have answered your one direct question, with the unequivocal statement that you are wrong,"

My one direct question was "Is taking from one who earns it, and giving it to one who hasn't, morally right?"

Does your quote above really answer my question? No, not even close, it side steps the question.

Is Ice Cream Cold?

Answer: "Your wrong!"

Does that make any sense to you?

Please just answer Yes, or No.

Then we can discuss, not argue.

I don't want to win, I just want clarity and provoke thought.



At 4:20 AM, November 26, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...


My little story was again about one of my best friends, and it was meant to be funny, even thou it was different.

I did not mean it to be a slam on New Yorkers, at all, it was just poking fun.

Please forgive me if it came across wrong.



At 4:49 PM, November 27, 2005 , Blogger Stalin the Shark said...


perhaps the day will dawn when you understand that your very question is flawed, because you're creating an analogy that is known as begging the question. Stealing isn't right - unless the property to be stolen was acquired unjustly, as in Robin Hood - but that does not, for the last and final time, create the comparison you're feebly trying to conjure.

In much the same way, I have to ask you as a business owner whether you condone stealing from your employees by paying them less than the value they create. Do you take only the money you yourself have earned, or do you leech off the labor of others, FAR? How much do you steal every day?

I obviously know that this question is flawed, and it is flawed in precisely the same structural sense as is yours. Explain to me how you justify stealing from your employees. Odds are that your explanation will largely mirror the arguments that make me say that you are wrong, FAR.

:-), StS

At 12:19 AM, November 28, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...


said: "Stealing isn't right - unless the property to be stolen was acquired unjustly."

Of course if it were a matter of getting back exactly what was stolen, then it would not be called stealing. Stealing is never right.

Well now we have part 1 of the two-part question answered.

The other part is do we elect our government to protect our life, liberty and property from unjust taxes? Taxes to support their proper functions is just, but is it the governments place to attempt to "force" us all to help our neighbor through unjust transfer payments?

I know you will want to say that the answer is "Your wrong" instead of directly answering the question, but at least you answered part 1 and I thank you for that clarification.

These are not "begging the question" type of questions like "Are you still beating your wife?" or "Are you still stealing from your employees?"

Those questions are obviously flawed, but the one I am asking is not.

"Is it the governments place to attempt to "force" us all to help our neighbor?"

That is not a flawed question. It is very real as is all forms of Socialism/Communism where those in power have the legal right to "force" people to do things that they otherwise can easily see is unjust.

It is my moral duty to help the poor, but it is not my neighbors or my governments place to "force" me to.

I don't believe that some people’s brains will let those kinds of questions linger long enough to truly ponder. Truth can be painful and we suppress it as quickly as possible if we have socialist/communist leanings.

I can certainly see the lure of free lunch, free health care, free dental, free housing, free food, why not free cars?

It is easy to see that side of the equation. It is from the heart and I can see it. It takes an open mind for someone to actually admit that they can see the other side.

I see your side and admit that it makes logical sense, I only question the methods. I am against "force", even when the outcome appears to be better on the surface. The end never justifies the means.

Only those with a closed mind will say that there is "no" validity to the other person’s point of view.

They think that they cannot be wrong, as it is impossible.

I get the feeling that you want to "win" instead of trying to see the other side. Is that true?

I don't want to win. I just want to have my views looked at with respect and true pondering so one can see the possibility that we could be more "free" if we were more libertarian in our approach to helping the poor instead of using "forced philanthropy."

Make any sense, or am I completely wrong in your view?

Open or closed mind?



At 3:56 PM, November 28, 2005 , Blogger Stalin the Shark said...

No no no no.

I'm not going to continue to engage your sloppy unchanging arguments about the big bad gubmint and how it's stealing from you, poor man that you are. I'm not the one who refuses to acknowledge the fallacy here. Your claim that taxation is stealing is wrong. Accept it, move on, but there's more.

What I want to hear is why you're stealing from your employees and how you justify that to yourself.

Go ahead.

:-), StS

At 6:01 AM, December 05, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...


I can see that you believe that Capitalism is theft by employers. Wow, what an erronous concept.

Let me see, time for econ 101.

Capitalism has two components, Capital,(money), and Labor, (work).

Tell me if I am going to fast for you.

Since we can all get Captial by working, then those who save thier capatil instead of having instant gratification, have more value.

By investing their capital in a venture, (it usually takes quite a bit of self-denial to save up enough to start a business), then the ones who have the capital part have the portion that is more valuable, so they get to set the price for labor. They have already earned it, and if someone else wants it, they must barter for the price of wages.

There is a story in the bible about the fact that the correct wages to pay anyone is whatever the laboror agrees to is fair.

It is in the first few verses of Matt 20: 1-13

The "goodman of the house", that is the Business owner, Came into town and hired people in the moringin to work all day for a penney. He found that they weren't getting the job done fast enough so he went back into town and hired more people at noon for a penny for the rest of the day, and then with only one hour for a penny. When they got together and realized that some worked longer for a penney than others, it was pointed out that they agreed to what they thought was fair individually, and that was indeed what was fair, since no one forced them to accept the wages offered.

Barter has been around a lot longer than capitalism and the Bible says it is just and fair in many places.

Only Socialists think that people should be forced to work for others for less than what was bartered, by forcing those who do work to give some back to those who don't.

You can call it stealing by employers if you want and that is certianlly the Socialist view, but most of us here in the U.S. think that barter is fair, and is not stealing.

I thought you were smarter than that.



At 6:15 AM, December 05, 2005 , Blogger Free Agency Rules said...


How do I justify my relationship with my employees? Easy, barter. And I don't think for a moment that it is unfair on any level.

So, now if I offerend $500.00 to you to wash my car, and you accept it, how is that stealing by either party?

How about $40.00? At what price does it become stealing by either party? When "you" think the price is not fair?

I have worked most of my life as an employee and never once thought my employer was stealing from me. In fact I have more often seen others taking money for "goofing" off all day, maybe that was "stealing."

When I earned $10.00 per hour, and when I was paid $100.00 per hour, in all cases I never thought I was being cheated.

Only "victims" could feel that the "barter" system was unfair.



At 11:55 AM, December 12, 2005 , Blogger Possum said...

While I realize the timing is off with your current family crisis here is a story of rudeness I thought you would enjoy:

I was in public with my bi-racial infant daughter when a woman I have never met previously walked up and commented "oh my what a beautiful tan your daughter has..."

I quashed my offense inside in a milisecond and politely responded with a friendly smile: "Yes thank you, we use the Graco Tanning bed available at Toys R Us."

And I walked away.

You don't know rude till you are a transracial adoptive parent. The things people feel compelled to ask or say are astounding.

BTW: I can stop buying french-vanilla fake-a-chinos at the local Exxon market any time I choose and still function. I just haven't chosen not to buy them in the last 3 years.

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